Linnea

The Beauty of Life  

  

  

Sometimes faking a smile is easier than explaining yourself. My name is Serenity, if you´re reading this, you are one of the people to know how I died.  

  

It´s October 14^th, 2016, and the time is 08:34am. School is in fifteen minutes and I just woke up. I don’t see the point of school. It's just faking a smile and a toxic environment. The teachers say they care about our mental health, but do they really? It seems to me that nobody cares about my mental health. I get up fast and throw on sweats and a hoodie, brush my teeth and I'm out the door.

 

We´re in class and I can't seem to focus. All I can think about is how sore my thighs and arms are, all I can think about is what’s the point of life. Ms. Flackinson is teaching us life skills, but I don’t see myself going anywhere so why am I here?

 

It´s lunch time, I go to the cafeteria and get my food, eat it quickly and proceed to go to the bathroom. I put my fingers as far down my throat, the food I just ate is out of my body and I can finally go on with my day.

 

4:24 pm, I’m on the bus on my way home, listening to my music, and staring out at the pouring rain. I’m home and go to my room. My parents are never home; my mom is either at work or in a different state and my dad works in New York. Sometimes it's nice that they aren’t home, I have time for myself, where I don’t constantly get asked if I’m okay or if I need help. I'm obviously not okay, I’m giving all the signs that I’m not okay, and they don’t notice. I haven’t eaten since lunch, but I don’t feel hungry at all. I lay on my bed staring out the window, watching the rain fall slowly. My brain is screaming at me to eat, but I refuse. I can't live like this anymore; I take out a piece of paper, a pen and I start writing. 

  

The person that first reads this will first find me. I'm sorry. I tried. I gave it my all. I gave all the signs that I'm not okay and nobody realized. I haven’t been eating, I´ve been self-harming, I feel like I'm invisible. Nobody notices me, nobody tries to include me. I don’t fit in. I'm the skinny, tired girl, with bags under her eyes. I was too tired to try anymore. I just couldn’t do it. Mom and Dad, you have done nothing wrong, I could never have asked for better parents, it's my fault I promise. I love you guys. Stella, I love you sis, I'm sorry I was never there to play with you, I'm sorry I wasn’t the big sis you always wanted. I barely knew how to take care of myself, but that’s no excuse. I should have been there for you, I should have shown you what this world can give you, but this world didn’t   give me anything, and I didn’t want to ruin your life. I love you lil sis. At my funeral, don’t act like you knew me, or you tried to help me, I tried to get help, and nobody noticed. I would rather that just my family has a funeral. CLOSED casket. Wear white, there's no need to make it sad. Tell everyone I love them. Especially Eloise, she needs help, tell her I'm sorry I couldn’t be there for her, I'm sorry I couldn’t do the BFF things she wanted to do. She needs help, she's struggling. I want her to have an amazing life, she can live my life for me. Call my friends and tell them that I love them, but I’m not sorry. Sorry can’t save me now. 

  

I run out the front door until I see the bridge. It´s 11:30pm,  and it´s dark, rainy, and nobody is around. I start climbing up the bridge, and as I look down, I see the water. The current is strong, but at the same time looks like diamonds going down a river. I'm at the top, one hand holding on, one foot off, tears falling down my face. As I'm about to jump, I let go, but suddenly I feel two hands around my waist.  

“LET GO” I scream “PLEASE LET ME GO.” 

But I still feel the hands. I turn around and it´s Liam. He is a year above me, and he´s sixteen years old and the most popular guy in school. I try to wiggle myself out of his hands, but he isn’t letting go. He seems calm, and he isn’t speaking. He pulls me over the ledge, grunting. We fall on the floor, both exhausted.

I try to get up, “I DON’T WANT TO LIVE” I scream, but he is holding me down. I fall into his arms, weak and sobbing, but in his arms, I feel safe. I feel loved, like I finally reached heaven on earth. He picks me up and carries me home. I fall asleep in his arms.

He holds me tightly the whole night. It’s the next morning and I wake up, Liam is still sleeping. Its Saturday and he has a game later, but I'm scared to be alone. I want to be with him. He saved my life. I proceed to fall back asleep, but later he wakes me up.  

  

“Good morning,” he says. 

“Hi.”  

“How did you sleep?” 

“Okay, I wanted to thank you for sleeping here.” 

“Of course, I have a game tonigh.t” 

“I know, don’t worry about me I will be okay.” 

“No, I'm staying with you.” 

My heart feels like its glowing, why is he doing so much for me? I'm exhausted after yesterday; I feel so guilty. I think to myself, why did he save me? Why did he even try to save me? How was he so calm? He asks if I want breakfast, but I refuse to eat. He tells me to stay in bed, so I do, but all of the sudden, I get an attack, he runs into my room and holds me. 

“Look at me Serenity, I'm here,” he says. 

I look up at him, breathing out shakily, I lean my head on his chest, he lays down with me and holds me tightly. I only feel safe in his arms. He can't leave me. 

  

Its 9:47pm and he´s still with me, I'm in bed while he’s making me a toast. I tell him I don’t want it, but he feeds me small bites. I tell him I'm going to the bathroom, but he follows me.  

“Why are you coming with me?” I say 

“Serenity, you need to eat”  

“NO, I don’t, I'm fine!” I say with tears pouring down my face 

I fall into his arms, he catches me and carries me to my bed, I know he can feel my bones and I hate it. He puts me under the blanket and puts a movie on.  

“Where are you going? Please don’t leave me” 

“I'm putting a hot bath on for you” he says 

“NO NO IM FINE PLEASE” I scream

I don’t want him to see my scars, its everywhere.

“Serenity, you're taking a bath, you don’t have to hide anything, I promise” 

For some reason I'm not mad about it. I trust him.  

  

I’m about to get into the bath, right when he’s about to leave the room, I ask him to stay. I’m scared something will happen. He smiles and comes back. He sits down on the floor and starts talking to me. I feel so safe with him, when I'm in his arms, it's like I’m floating on a cloud. 

 

It’s Monday and he´s been with me every second after that day. I ask him not to mention anything to anyone about what happened. He promised he wouldn’t. Its 08:50am and I’m in class, and I’m terrified. I have another panic attack, Eloise runs up to me and tries to help me, but I scream at her to get Liam. He runs in after a few seconds with Eloise right behind him. I fall into his arms crying.  

“Shhh, I’m here” he says “I’m not going anywhere” 

He carries me out of the classroom and brings me home. We spend the day in bed talking, he takes care of me. I’ve never felt so attached to a person as much as I am to Liam. Its 10:55pm and it's raining outside. The sidewalk lights are on and the roads are empty. I get out of bed and pull him outside.  

“What are you doing?” he asks 

I start running down the street laughing, screaming on top of my lungs. I feel so free with him. He catches up with me, looks me in the eyes, and kisses me. I get butterflies in my stomach; I’ve never been more in love with a boy. He looks me into the eyes, we lay down on the cement floor, and look at the dark thick clouds. I smile and look at him, with happiness in my eyes. For weeks I sneak out to see him, at the same spot.  

  

It's now 5 months later, and we have drifted, he’s distant now, however this time we are strangers by day and lovers by night.

 We still talk but he acts like he doesn’t know me when he is with others. Is he embarrassed? We don’t talk as much as we used to and when I need him the most, he’s not there for me like he used to be. What did I do wrong? It's happening again, I’m not eating, not sleeping and I know I don’t belong in this world.

I need help but he’s the only one I trust. I need him. I love him. He is my last chance of hope. I sneak out to where it all began, where we first met, where I was going to do it. But this time I know he’s not going to be there to save me. I wrote another letter, but this time it's only for him, he is the most important person to me.  

 

Dear Liam, 

I don’t know where to start, you’re my first and last love. You were there for me when I needed you, until a few months ago. During the day you ignored me, but you loved me in the evening. Everything you did to make me feel safe and loved, is unforgettable, but I don’t belong in this world. I love you so incredibly much. You’re the person that made me forget about reality, you're the person that made me feel loved and worthy. My life started getting better and I almost started seeing a point of living. Waking up every morning, wasn’t a task anymore, with you, I woke up, I ate breakfast, I got to school on time. Because of you, my life got better. But then when I needed you the most, you left me. With no reason. I needed you and you weren't there. Liam, I love you so incredibly much. Live my life for me. I can't handle the pain anymore. Goodbye Liam. See you on the other side my love.  

 

From your Serenity” 

 

I feel the cold air rushing through me, I take a small step back. And then another, and another again. I feel like I have the power for once, to control how I feel. I lean backwards with my arms out, I feel as I can fly like an angel, I will be an angel now just as I fall backwards, I catch a glimpse of Liam, he’s running to save me but it's too late,

He screams “DON’T DO IT, I READ THE LETTER I’M HERE I PROMISE, I LOVE YOU, I’M SORRY, SERENITY IM HERE I PROMISE. DON’T DO IT. PLEASE”, just as my body is about to hit the water, I see him jumping after me. He shouldn’t have to have suffered like me. Why did he jump? I wanted to free him from carrying all my pain but instead I dragged him with me. As my body hits the water, I feel that I have fallen through to the other side. I made it now. WE have made it now. I'm free, I see light for once instead of darkness engulfing me all the time.  

 

Now that you’ve read this , you now know not HOW I died but WHY I chose to die. If you are reading this, just know we are in a better place.